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A couple of days ago I was on a plane. Two/Threes ago to be roughly precise, all I wanted to do was sleep during my extremely short flight. Whenever I seat by the window, I usually pull down the cover, or latch whatsoever its called, but before the plane took off and while it was taking off my neck was against the window, and the sun was heating my skin… The warmth was for some reason beautiful, I just wanted to stay that way for the length of the journey. But as we ascended higher into the clouds, it eased, so I drew down the latch, and tried to get some shut eyes.

This is pretty random, doesn’t matter :).

Just a moment


I’m laying here on my bed, eyes barely open, thinking… I’ve gone insane. I must have.
Not the kind of insanity that makes you want to rip of your clothes and run on the streets. But the subtle yet burrowing insanity that eats away your brain matter.
Yesterday night, I lay in bed thinking things I’m not sure of, things I don’t even know where to begin from. Today, I woke up, went out, and told myself throughout that my thoughts are lies, and as a result of my being momentarily idle. I have bizarre thoughts, and insanity scares, more like certainties. I’m not sure I want to know anymore, not right now. The more I seem to know, the more certain I am that it is all nothing….
I cannot put two and two together, I’m not sure there is are twos to be put together. My thoughts do not scare me, its that they are nothing or something else that does.


I think about being married, and not being married, how it would be either ways…. Those thoughts are for some other time,I just think about being with someone for so long, and having a family and all, the act of ‘marriage’ not being a necessity or a tie by all means, or a burden, or something of the sort. The thought alone can be cumbersome, well.. That’s when you don’t have the person you’ll be with or have no idea how it would be.

Moving on… Lately I thought about actually having a ring on my finger. THAT is a big deal, a bigger deal than the act of marriage itself maybe. Its just there for you to gaze at, and everybody sees it to, it chases away potential wooers, or causes people to sugar coat their talks on certain topics, and on another hand causes some people to heighten their talks on those topics. But that’s not the point, wearing an engagement is a big deal, a lot of pressure. It might be something material, and have no true ties to expressing someone’s feelings, but for onlookers it says a whole lot.

Overwhelming!

School’s Out


The semester just got out, the sun shines down making our skins glimmer, girls wear a meager amount of clothing and boys get darker shades so that they can ogle the almost bare girls… Oh yes, its summer.

I want to spin around anywhere and nowhere and laugh, and have my companion(s) watch me and laugh too, and possibly join in the spinning, who knows? We might even start to waltz and give passersby the impression that we were loony, and leave older people with the longing to be young again. Or do something silly & outrageous.

I want to know my this from my that, and my M’s from my W’s, my n’s from my u’s. I want to lift my friend up, not on skype or facebook, but with my hands and say ‘my friend, you work too much. Today, no more. I must show you a good time, or at least… A better time’.

I want to go on a road trip, from the tri-state area to california. And from Spain-France. To roam the cities of italy, and to be lost in gaze at the wonders of the swiss alps.

I need a breather, some clean well shaped air, something to pummel my conventional skepticism, and fill the gaping holes. Something catastrophic and another reassuring.

There is much to learn, to discover, to denounce, and to affirm.
Cheers


Religion is the opium of the masses- Karl Marx. Everybody turns to it, self-medicates, and gets High on it & its doctrines, rather than checking their faith.

What’s your opium?
Writing?
Alcohol?
Singing?
Weed?
Video games?
Sex?
Rain?
Books?
Tv?
Cigarettes?
Sleep?
Computers?
Opium??

What’s your mini god? What do you pay unreasonable attention to? That you probably shouldn’t. Or what are you skilled at?
I have no opium. Is that good, or bad?
In this sense I think its horrible, I’m still getting into the ‘playing’ thing… Rather, I’m far from getting into it. There’s no one thing that I pay so much attention to, or that I’m particularly skilled at, not that I can recall.
There is nothing I sniff, smoke or inject, or however it is opium is used.
I feel like a ‘Jack of all trades, master of none’… Nobody really wants someone who touches on a lot of things, but has no in depth sense of one more than the other.

For instance, you wouldn’t want to go to medicine school, at a college that’s fairly good in medicine and all other disciplines, more like manageable. You’d want the best, or one of the best, and where there’s a great medicine school [or any other discipline], there would probably be up to standard faculties in other disciplines…

There’s nothing specifically appealing to me, or that I can point identify. My opium is ________.

Cheers


Yesterday, I went to a party. First one in a really long time. As I just sat there, still and steel faced, watching people do what they were doing, I remembered what I liked to do. More like, One of the things I liked to do.  I like to play, a lot, and I like being silly. I try to try out every sport, but its not just sports, I like running around, and laughing hysterically to no exact end.


But recently like I said, I have become this self-tamed introvert. I can’t remember the last time I ran around, or was chased, or anything. I just stay indoors smug faced, studying( mostly trying to, or thinking about trying to), or watching movies and things. For reasons I do not know I abandoned the play. Well aside from the fact that you don’t really find people to ‘play’ with or who have that edgy side….

I liked to play and to know. I’d play, I’d laugh, but I’d know. I liked Socrates, and Descartes. But that never stopped me. I liked getting into conversations, beneficial and not beneficial, not detrimental either. But not at the expense of the other. Now, I seem to have abandoned the play, in aimless search for the others, and even others. And not much have I yielded from this. Because since I cannot play with a lot of people, I tend not to engage in much talk, so when I do find out things from what I have read or seen, I cannot talk about it with someone else, so it tends to fade away.

To my knowing, I believe my vocabulary has even deteriorated. I want to learn many things, to play the piano, to speak Spanish and Italian, to be oriented with other religions and cultures, to be a superb cook, and a whole lot of things, but not one at the expense of the other. Not learning all this, and forgetting how to play, or get my adrenalin pumped.

:: When the song came on, I threw my hand s in the air, and I danced. I loved it, I jumped and I laughed. It was awesome. You guys should have been there.

:: OMG, I got pushed in the pool, Ha.Ha. And I pushed this douche in the pool too, bare jokes mahn.

:: Like, you totally won’t believe it, I was with *insert name* all night. It was epic.they left me. But then, they came back with more guys, and didn’t care how much I begged, I got tossed in anyways.

:: I was totally scared, they were trying to toss me into the pool, I kept screaming and yelling and begging, and thenTragic I tell you.

If other people at the same party had blogs they wrote on like this, this would probably be some of their reactions. But not mine, I sat there and watched them be merry, and be traumatized (for some), until of course, I got thrown in the pool… I couldn’t complain, I loved it. ^_^


I feel like I have no direction. I feel like I’m going nowhere, and I feel like I know nothing/

I feel like I’m trying to try everything, and I’m trying to be everyone. I feel like I don’t know me, I feel like there is no me/

I feel like I’m going to fall into nothing, and drown in an endless abyss of nothingness. I feel like I’ve put myself in shackles and unlike others, there is no roaring beast that wants to get out/

I feel like I don’t know what I like, I can’t even answer when asked. I feel like I’m so ignorant, in-spite of the fact I feel in the know/

I feel like my cynicism is sometimes unreasonable, and that not everything should be thought through/

Maybe because of the short leash I’ve been on, the boundaries I’ve given into. I feel like I have forgotten how to live, or never knew how to/

My laughters are hollow, and behind my smiles hold criticisms/

I feel like my thoughts are hollow, and there is no essence of them/

I feel like I can have no rest, like the pestles in my head won’t stop pounding/

I feel like I need a cigarette, and yet I find the act of smoking repulsive/

I feel like I stand nowhere, and tread no path. I cannot return to the path I walked, because I cannot remember it/

Having conversations are difficult, I can barely sustain them. I cant say my whole world is crashing down, cause I’m not even sure what world that is/

I cannot say I have lost my way, cause I do not know what way I had/

Indie music is my drug, my ipod is the syringe, my earplugs are the needle, and I am its vessel/

I am therapeutic, but to no end./