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Meddlesome.


When you find out something utterly disturbing, and upsetting. Probably about yourself. What your (supposed)friend(s) has been saying or said ‘behind your back’, you boil with anger, and imagine how it could even be possible.
You begin to think of them as untrustworthy, and dishonest, and…. Hold up.
How did you find out? Chances are if someone didn’t tell you, you were going through their messages or something of the likes, and what does that make you? The same as the person, isn’t it? And if someone did tell you, chances are you might have been ‘gossiping/being gossiped to’ about the person. So what does that make you as well? The same huhn.

Don’t put sprinkle sand in your eyes or be quick to judge and pass ugly comments.

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Oh how I hate when someone says I’m not doing something just because they don’t see me doing it.

Or that I don’t feel some way, just because they don’t see/sense it.

The former upsets me greatly, as it is not based on emotional perception which can be interpreted in various ways. It grieves me so very much.

Decisions are a weak point, I make few that I’m fully conscious of. And recently, I made one ever so drastic, not necessarily negative, but it took almost all that I had to make it. I cannot say that I was wrong, I do not think I would ever say I was wrong. It hurt so bad then, it still does. But this is something I do not intend to let fall by the way. The same thing has re-occurred time and time again, I just wasn’t going to have.
Perhaps its what I wanted or needed, but I wasn’t going to do it before I was ready, while I was still insecure and thinking and hoping at every moment that it won’t re-occurr. I’d cheat myself, and the other party. Its hard for me, the things that come with it, its difficult in social gatherings, but the world doesn’t even know anything has changed. It gets to me at the weirdest moment, but its always alright. It has to be.
Its no more a decision of what I can do with or without, its what I want to do with or not without. So either way the pendulum swings, it’ll be okay eventually.
Cheers.

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There isnt


There is just no pleasing some people. Whether you’re trying to or not. And its like they don’t notice. They just jump on the little off moments, not facts or explanations needed.
This has to be one of the most terrible feelings.

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When you lose someone, or when they let you go, or a tie is severed, or something along the line. You never think its right, you always think there’s some other way. And you want to fight for whatever it is, or wallow in self pity till something comes through. But you know, sometimes, you just don’t want to try again, and be the only one trying or seemingly trying. You don’t want to and can’t be groveling at anyone’s feet.
This time, it was straightforward and clear, no gaps left for wondering, except for ‘why’, and not for ‘maybe she/he’s wondering the same thing’ or seeing it the same way I am’.
And now, unlike other times, you just have to try and move on. You deny the difficulty, and give it less thought when you don’t want to. You hope for a glimmer of light or silver lining, yet you don’t want to see it, you want to sail away from under this cloud. You’ve imagined this side of the story, but it still doesn’t cushion it. You talk about the other to others like its still alright, but its nagging you anyways. You breakdown once or twice, but you pull yourself together. You can’t be doing such rubbish.
The world doesn’t stop, and life goes on. No matter how much you hold on to this thought, it doesn’t make it any easier. For once you’re taking a stand, feeble or not, but it sucks that it had to be about this. You’ll never know if its wrong or right if you never do it this way. For once you’re the one to think/also think ‘there’s no coming back from this’, it can’t be refurbished this time, or resuscitated the same way. And that probably says something. For once you think maybe the memories are enough. But none of this makes it easier. Writing about it this time doesn’t make it easier. You haven’t changed wallpapers, or torn up notes, or put pictures face down, all the same old things still remind you. Its still just as hard as the ‘thought of it’ the previous times, only this time, it is it. And its harder than a thought.
Does something inside you wish it wasn’t this way still? Like all those other times? Maybe, Maybe. But that something, is smaller than it used to be.
Are your emotions in a flux? Or…Just?
Well I want to say it doesn’t matter, but I don’t know.

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You know the thing about emotions; they can always change. Its not awkward to be in a room with someone you don’t really care about, or don’t know, or your indifferent about, or a mere acquaintance. But it can be awkward to be in a room with someone to whom, your feelings have changed towards, for better or for worse.

If you think you can’t stay in a room with someone, because your feelings towards them are not so pleasant at the moment, or theirs towards you aren’t, you know there’s something there, and you know it can change. But when you can stay comfortably in a room with them, without those emotions, then.. I don’t know. Maybe they’ve diffused.

How do you know when to let someone go? I always think about it as defying the odds, and saying this is how it always is, let’s do it otherwise, but you know, sometimes, the odds aren’t to be defied, there’s a reason they’ve been that way. Don’t ‘defy the odds’ at your expense, but when do you know? I’ll leave that for another post.

If you live by quotes, your head will be spun time and again, and left in a contradictory twist. Some tell you to never let go, and others tell you to let go, and if it comes back, then you know, and others tell you that, when your about to let go, remember why you’ve been holding on for so long. Really? Its whatever works for you. What if the reason you’ve been holding on isn’t enough anymore, then let go? Or not. Whatever works. Its hard to ignore those nice little sayings, that are often misinterpreted isn’t it?

Cheers

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….


I’m at the airport again, for the umpteenth time between last week and now.
I’ve been on a plane about 17 times since January, and after this flight, it’d be 18. I am tired. I am sick of it. I could be asleep, and get a call in the middle of the night, you know what? To get the first fucking flight out. If it was to places I wanted to go, fine, oh jolly. Thing is, I barely get to eat between my stay and activities at the various destinations. Its get there, do what I have to, sleep and I’m out. Another annoying thing is when the plane is practically empty, and some fellow finds it convenient to come and seat beside me, or wake me up when I’m sleeping all because of the fucking cheap plane food. Or when my iPod or phone die in the airport or during a wait for one of the activities. Or when my pick up wastes time when I reach the airport. OR when I’m traveling with someone that has checked in luggage and I don’t, hell fucking no. Or people that feel the need to stand so close to you and ogle you, or hug up all the arm rest space, or when someone decides to give you 30kg worth of luggage to take back or with you, or when I don’t get the window seat, or the fact that air hostesses pointlessly glance at your boarding pass to tell you what your seat number is, or when they just glance at it for no damned reason, and hand it back to you …Or wait, here’s the worst of it, when where I’m going has down right shitty service.

Cheers

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What does it mean when you and someone (as dear as can be to you) aren’t in the so right place, neither are you in the so wrong place. You don’t talk the same way, your lives evade each other, you barely know what’s going on with the other… You know the drill.

But you aren’t exactly bothered about it like you would be. You don’t hurt, or give it much ponder time.

Does it merely mean you do not care anymore? Or that you have become use to situations like this, that you know it would come around in its own time? Or maybe it means you’ve grown to address things differently? Or like in marriages,
You’ve passed the honeymoon phase?

Cheers

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